Paris is my Paris

Well thats a month of my life that I will never get back. I'm definitely not getting paid fairly for it, if I get paid at all. And I wish I could say that I learned a valuable lesson- some sort of revelatory new thought before I leave the country... but no. Just another case of putting a little to much faith in someone I considered a friend only to have it blow up in my face.

I'm not going to bitch and moan about it because in all honesty, the whole situation pales in comparison to some others in terms of being completely fucked. It's merely the most recent example of the continuous message that this town has been sending me seemingly since the time that I arrived.

GET.OUT.OF.HERE.NOW. 

And though my previous attempts at escape have been marred with mistakes and bad decisions... even a few trips to the psych ward for good measure. I think I finally have this more or less figured out.

For one, I am not an inherently bad person. I know this deep down. I have, however done some inherently bad things. And unfortunately some of these said things have happened in a very public arena. I have a bad reputation. This reputation is warranted. I can accept this. I can change the things that have gotten me here. I can move towards improvement. I can accept my character flaws as flaws and put in the hard work to try to eradicate them as best as I can. Though admittedly, even as recently as earlier this year I did not believe these statements to be true, I have come to the conclusion that all of them are. It is not to late for me to start over and be the person that I've always been deep down, just without all the problems.

I just cannot do it here.

There is only so much fuckery that a person/group of people/town/city can put up with and I'm convinced I'm way past my max. 

So I'm leaving.

Not just the city. Not just the state. But the country. (sticking around in the same hemisphere for now)

I'm leaving behind my family, which is sad... a handful of friends, really decent people, which is also sad. My cat... probably the saddest.

I'm also leaving behind droves of acquaintances that feel either pretty strongly or pretty neutral towards me. Hopefully more neutral than anything... but I suppose that if that were the case I wouldn't be so hellbent on my departure. Maybe I'm oversensitive or exaggerating, but I'd like to think that my perception is pretty accurate. 

So, Cleveland... you've won. I'm leaving. I hope that things are better here without me. I'm sure they will be, I'm just a little to square to fit into your nonsensically shaped holes.

Wait, who am I kidding. Cleveland, you're still going to have to stay here forever. I don't, I'm leaving.

I win.