"you're very droll"

Oh man I need to re-design this blog... it's pretty terrible.

And yet another foray into the horrors of waitressing. Tuesday I was training on a double with the intention of being on the floor for real, that is, making actual money on Thursday (today) when...

A five top orders three martinis and two other cocktails, I try to carry the tray with like, everyone including the manager and the crazy Argentinian owner breathing down my neck. Shit starts spilling everywhere of course. I get cut five minutes later with tears welling up in my eyes.

Manager is actually a pretty cool guy and tried to soften the blow of the implied "you aren't cut out for dinner service". Fucking atrophied muscle in my left arm from being a stupid 20 year old ruining my life still.

I went home and cried about it for a good forty minutes with Alex via skpye. I mean, I was crying and he was listening.


On the drive home I see for the THIRD time in a week the only ex that I actually have any malicious feelings for as he is a complete sociopath asshole. Keep in mind I haven't had to see this guy at all except briefly riding his bike on one occasion like half a year ago or something... So yeah, seeing him gayly riding his bike alongside a cute girl running with her dog was a bit more than I could handle in my state, and it took everything that I had within me not to yell out factual statements in an attempt to deter that poor girl from falling into one of his snares. This is not jealousy btw... It's really like a good samaritain type thing. I mean, I don't want anyone else to get fucked over by this guy, and he deserves nothing but pain and suffering.

So that night I went out and did what I do best- drink when I feel sad or inferior.

Then who do I see but another ex, Chris. A cordial conversation followed and I think that my genuine disinterest came across pretty clearly, and maybe even made him a little interested? I don't know. Who cares anyway, I'm on my way out of here so soon that the fleeting unimportance of practically every encounter that I've had lately is astonishing. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. It is also a skill that I do not possess. 

mal a genou

Well my recent attempt at a complete self improvement overhaul has slowed to something a little to close to a halt for my taste. I'm exaggerating, of course but this is my third day of not being able to run because of the sharp shooting pain that has developed in both of my knees, most likely caused by the wrong shoes and a little too much too fast on the running front. or just a general lack of knowing what I'm doing... which is usually the culprit behind any ill informed venture. I thought this whole diet and exercise thing was supposed to be for my BENEFIT. WHAT GIVES?

 I am not pleased.
Also decent running shoes are astoundingly expensive.

But, of course if I can spend eighty bucks on make up, I can most certainly cough up a hundo for a decent pairs of kicks.

New job is decent, one more day of training and then I'll be on my way to attempting to make as much money as humanly possible in the one month that I have left here in good ol' Cleveland. I like the staff, definitely a higher caliber of individuals than at the other gig, that is with out question.

It's really strange though. This whole prospect of moving away to au pair in France seems to have brought out the best in me vis a vis work ethic, organization, drive, and general joie de vivre... yet it still doesn't feel real. I guess it won't until I'm on the plane repeating holyshitholyshitholyshit the whole way over the Atlantic... but still. Work kind of flies by, or at least it did today. Really gotta get that mis en place shit down though damn. But yeah... I have more or less stopped caring about other's opinions of me, which... I realize now played a huge part into my general malaise. I really just don't give a fuck. That is to say that, sans my notorious antics that have driven me to the status of veritable social pariah, I think I'm actually I pretty decent individual. I'm just not about to go and try to prove that to everyone that still maintains that I am "bat-shit insane" as someone so eloquently put it last summer.

The whole thing is kind of laughable, all in all. And they do say that people hate what they fear... or something like that. I don't know. I do know however that this quote really made my day.

"The unexamined life is not worth living for a human being" -Socrates

Ain't that the truth.

T-minus 40 some odd days until departure.

Paris is my Paris

Well thats a month of my life that I will never get back. I'm definitely not getting paid fairly for it, if I get paid at all. And I wish I could say that I learned a valuable lesson- some sort of revelatory new thought before I leave the country... but no. Just another case of putting a little to much faith in someone I considered a friend only to have it blow up in my face.

I'm not going to bitch and moan about it because in all honesty, the whole situation pales in comparison to some others in terms of being completely fucked. It's merely the most recent example of the continuous message that this town has been sending me seemingly since the time that I arrived.

GET.OUT.OF.HERE.NOW. 

And though my previous attempts at escape have been marred with mistakes and bad decisions... even a few trips to the psych ward for good measure. I think I finally have this more or less figured out.

For one, I am not an inherently bad person. I know this deep down. I have, however done some inherently bad things. And unfortunately some of these said things have happened in a very public arena. I have a bad reputation. This reputation is warranted. I can accept this. I can change the things that have gotten me here. I can move towards improvement. I can accept my character flaws as flaws and put in the hard work to try to eradicate them as best as I can. Though admittedly, even as recently as earlier this year I did not believe these statements to be true, I have come to the conclusion that all of them are. It is not to late for me to start over and be the person that I've always been deep down, just without all the problems.

I just cannot do it here.

There is only so much fuckery that a person/group of people/town/city can put up with and I'm convinced I'm way past my max. 

So I'm leaving.

Not just the city. Not just the state. But the country. (sticking around in the same hemisphere for now)

I'm leaving behind my family, which is sad... a handful of friends, really decent people, which is also sad. My cat... probably the saddest.

I'm also leaving behind droves of acquaintances that feel either pretty strongly or pretty neutral towards me. Hopefully more neutral than anything... but I suppose that if that were the case I wouldn't be so hellbent on my departure. Maybe I'm oversensitive or exaggerating, but I'd like to think that my perception is pretty accurate. 

So, Cleveland... you've won. I'm leaving. I hope that things are better here without me. I'm sure they will be, I'm just a little to square to fit into your nonsensically shaped holes.

Wait, who am I kidding. Cleveland, you're still going to have to stay here forever. I don't, I'm leaving.

I win.

OH MY GOD I DON'T CARE