mal a gorge

Well, it really was only a matter of time until I caught some sort of bug- in this case some weird strain of what the french call "la crève", which is just argot for any number of variations on the common cold. In any case I am exhausted all the time, sniffly, stuffy, and my throat hurts. Though, because this sort of malady is not only common, but expected at this time of year when the little ones return from their summer holidays into the petri dish of école to mix and mutate new strains of viral infections... I don't get time off to properly recover since, well... it's my job to watch these kids. So it goes.

Things with the littlest one are getting better... I think. Sometimes it can seem like a two steps forward one step back sort of situation, but there is subtle improvement from day to day. It's very hard at times to distinguish between what is normal three year old behavior, what is normal indulged three year old behavior, what is just her natural bold personality and what is just downright bad behavior that is largely tolerated for myriad reasons i'm not going to go into right now. She really is a tough cookie, and what makes it tougher is that I know she is not inherently bad. In fact, I think more than anything she craves discipline. She wants order... but her parents indulge her and don't want to discourage her precociousness. And in all honesty, neither do I. She is obviously smart as hell, and sometimes I have to remind myself that she is only three, because I promise you if you met her you'd swear she was 5. Also somehow I can't help feeling like this is some sort of sick payback for all the shit I pulled as a kid... Karma man. And life lessons. Life lessons all around.

Also, let me interject that I really shouldn't complain. I may be the only au pair ever to have a suite, private bathroom and kingsized bed. Oh yeah, and the whole living in a castle thing also doesn't suck. If it sounds like I'm complaining, it's only because of the concessions being made. As wonderful as my family is here (and believe me, they ARE wonderful) they are not immune to the certain level of being out of touch that naturally arrives with a high income household. And though not everything translates, in fact most things don't across the atlantic, some things absolutely do and exist everywhere. This is one of those things. But then again, lets be honest here. A certain amount of indulgence is to be expected with this job- If a family is wealthy enough to afford an au pair, you better believe they are wealthy enough to afford pretty much any other luxury they desire. Oh yes- quick note on that. I'm making peanuts over here, not that I'm all that concerned with that fact. I didn't come here to make money. I came here for the experience. (and the visa) The only reason I mention that is that I want to take this opportunity to shed some light on one of the darker aspects of socialism.

So here I am, working pretty hard with the laundry of 8 people, 2 very difficult toddlers and all sorts of other stuff I won't list because it's just not worth it right now... making in one week enough to pay my language course. So basically I net three weeks worth of pay, and believe me, it is no large sum. And then, you have the French Government netting twice what I make in a month just to have me here. So they do nothing while I toil and make a fraction of what they receive for my being here. If what I understand is correct, the majority of this money goes towards my social securty and healthcare since technically I am a temporary legal resident of France... but trust. A large portion of that also goes towards the French bureaucratic pyramid scheme. Also note that the sum they pay is as much as it is because they base it on a percentage of my host father's income. Man this sounds so much like that country I just left...

Anyway, long story short I shouldn't complain, but sometimes I still do.

I shouldn't complain because I have found a decency in people here that I thought was all but lost. I have found, essentially, the mother that I have always wanted but never had. I have found the acceptance and appreciation from people here I have always craved but never really received and thus believed I didn't deserve. This whole situation, on a day to day basis makes me question whether the beauty I see around me- the kind of beauty that is often attempted but never replicated despite the numerous attempts across the world (especially in America) is very real and very present. I guess I just was never prepared for the grass actually being greener. But it is.

Of course nothing is ever PERFECT, and I still have some personal things to work on while taking on the imposing task of being an au pair for this family. Well imposing for anyone else I guess... There are problems, sure... But overall, I am so much better off than I was.

But it is going to suck when I get to the age of 30 and realize that I've spent so much time raising other people's kids that I have absolutely no desire to do so for myself. On va voir.